Then the elder son became angry and refused to go in. His father came out and began to plead with him. But he answered his father, “Listen! For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. ~ Luke 15:28-29
Dick and Jane grew up in a traditional household. Their dad went to work, and their mom was a full-time homemaker.
Dick liked to stay home and tinker with the family cars and clean out the stalls of their two horses. On Saturday nights, he preferred staying home with his mom and dad and watching a movie on television with them. His mom always asked, “Dick, do you want to go out with your friends?” “No, I’m O.K. I like hanging out with you and Dad.”
His sister though, was never home. She either went out on a date with her boyfriend, or she went joy riding with her friends every Friday and Saturday night. Her mom and dad told her to be home by midnight, but she came home whenever the wind changed directions. Dick could hear his mom and dad talking late into the night. “Do you think Jane’s O.K.?” “We could ground her again, but it never works. We can’t hold her hostage until she graduates.” “What should we do?” They worried incessantly about Jane.
In the early morning hours just before the sun came up, Dick would hear the back door open. “Jane is that you? Are you O.K.?” his mom would ask. “I’m fine Mom; I’m going to bed now.” There was always tension, but the family still enjoyed occasional meals together and sharing innocent stories about Dick and Jane’s simpler days. The time Jane got bucked off her horse Cheerio and landed in the water trough. Or, when eight-year-old Dick drove the truck into the barn and knocked out Cheerio’s stall. Family stories glued them together.
When Jane graduated with honors from high school, she took off for college in a distant land and her next big adventure. Dick stayed home and learned to weld at the local community college. He moved out of the house and into the tack room next to Cheerio’s stall. His dad found an old shower stall at the Habitat Restore and had it installed underneath the hay loft. The water pressure was low and the water lukewarm, but it worked. Dick’s mom gave him a hot plate for cooking and Grandma’s queen bed to sleep on. “You can come eat with us whenever you want,” she told Dick. He did on occasion.
Jane was glad not to live under the watchful eyes of her parents, and she loved college life. She was free to do as she pleased. Dick helped his parents with the upkeep on their house and their small acreage. After college Jane got a full-time job in the city but lost her job after five years, and unable to make ends meet, she reluctantly came home to “reset.”
Her mom and dad welcomed her back with open arms. “We are so glad you are home, Jane. We’re going to finish the basement for you, so you can have a bigger space.” “I’m fine with my old room, Mom. Thanks for welcoming me home. I know I haven’t been easy.”
Dick put in a bedroom, a full bathroom with a tiled shower, a mini-kitchen, and he had a friend dig out the ground to make a walk-in basement and let the light shine in.
The basement was a work of art and Dick found himself getting more and more resentful every day, especially at night when he took a lukewarm shower with little water pressure, and when he went to bed, he could hear the mice scampering in Cheerio’s grain bin.
Do we harbor long-held pent-up resentments? Do we swallow our angry feelings and then resentment settles in?
“Resentment often is so deeply hidden that it is not even noticed by those who are most resentful,” states Henri Nouwen. “Those of us who give our lives for loved ones, work hard, and have virtues that are praised sometimes are burdened by resentment in our hearts. Resentment is the curse of the faithful, the virtuous, the obedient, and the hardworking.”
The disciplined elder son becomes angry when his father throws an extravagant party for his little brother when he returns home after making many poor decisions. The elder son refuses to attend the party (see Luke 15). “Resentment is cold, agonizing anger. When hot anger grows cold it hardens our hearts and wreaks havoc in our lives. Resentment makes us suspicious, cynical, and depressed. Over the long term, resentment becomes a way of being,” Nouwen states.
Do we have resentments that we need to deal with? Are we angry, but we do not know why?
“Our world is full of resentment,” says Father Ron Rolheiser. “Everyone it seems is bitter about something, and, of course, not without cause. Few are the persons who do not secretly nurse the feeling that they have been ignored, wounded, cheated, treated unfairly, and have drawn too many short straws in life; and so many of us feel that we have every right to protest our right to be resentful and unhappy. We’re not happy, but with good reason.”
Dick got so mad at his parents and his sister that he moved out. He did not even tell them that he was leaving. The town gossip agreed with him. “The loyal son should be living in the plush basement and the wayward daughter should be living in the tack room with the mice. That is fair.”
“At every level of life, from what we see playing out in the grievances and wars among nations to what we see bickering in our board rooms, classrooms, living rooms, and bedrooms, there is evidence of resentment and bitterness,” says Rolheiser. From Mancos to the halls of Congress, from the Southern Border to the Canadian Border, everyone seems bitter about something and not without cause.
How do we move away from the “cold, agonizing anger” of resentment? “Resentment is one of the most vicious qualities of life because it makes human relationships and community life so difficult. It robs us of joy and peace,” writes Henri Nouwen.
What do we do with our resentments? The short answer, “Practice gratitude.”
Jesus continuously gave thanks. He shared and received gifts from others. He saw beauty in all creatures great and small. “Gratitude is the attitude that enables us to let go of anger,” says Nouwen. With gratitude, we begin to see the gifts and graces in our world and in our lives.
Yes, our lives and our world are broken, but there is beauty and grace as well. God’s love is working and healing us through all things.
Dick was miserable for months, and he ranted about the great injustice done to him whenever he got together with his friends until they stopped spending time with him. Then Dick howled at the moon. One night, a light came on, and Dick thought to himself, “I miss living in the tack room. It was simple. I loved the smell of fresh hay and old leather saddles and bridles. I didn’t have to clean anything, and the rent was free. I even miss the mice dancing at night. And my parents kept the door open if I ever wanted a home cooked meal.” He moved back home, and his parents welcomed him.
May we be honest about our resentments and by the Grace of God may we move from resentment to gratitude. All is Grace. Amen.
Blessings and peace,
Craig