Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ~ Colossians 3:14
I believe that the healthiest people are those who received from their parent(s) and early authority figures a combination of unconditional love and conditional love. ~ The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm
Yes or No? They are two very small one syllable words that carry such a big impact on the quality of our lives as individuals, a community, and a nation.
Think about how much time we spend agonizing over whether we should say “yes” or “no.” Should I volunteer at the church or volunteer at a local non-profit? Can I just say no to all of it? Should I enroll the kids in peewee basketball, piano lessons, or 4-H? Can we just do it all? Should we repair the old car or get a new used car? Should we send the kids to public school or home school? Should we move or stay put? The decisions are endless throughout our lives. What do we say “yes” to and what do we say “no” to?
I do not know about you, but it is hard to say “no” especially to someone I love and care deeply about. And, if I say “yes” when every part of my body and soul says “no,” I get upset with myself and the person I said “yes” to, even though I made the decision.
My Great Grandma Parish was a deeply spiritual woman who always told my mother when she was a rebellious teenager, “Susie, God loves a cheerful giver. If you can’t do this task with joy, then don’t do it at all.” I believe Grandma Parish was saying, “Does our yes mean yes and does our no mean no? Or are other factors influencing our decisions?”
I cannot count the number of times when our children were young that one of them would ask me, “Dad, can I spend the night with Billy?” “I don’t know. Let me think about it.” “Dad, Billy’s parents said it was O.K. Grandma, said it was O.K. Mom, said it was O.K., but I had to ask you first. Can I spend the night with Billy?”
I did not want to get into a long conversation about triangulation with a seven-year-old, so I would say, “Well, we were planning on eating dinner together tonight as a family and then watching a movie.” “Dad, everyone says yes. Can I spend the night with Billy? Come on!”
Lysa Terkeurst writes in The Best Yes, “I struggle with decisions. I don’t want to mess up relationships by disappointing people, or misstep right out of God’s will. I struggle with worrying about what others think of my decisions. I struggle with wondering if my inability to do it all will make my kids wind up on a therapist’s couch one day. I struggle with feeling like I can’t quite figure out how other parents seem to do it all. I struggle with feeling like I’m going to let God down and my family.”
“Dad, can I spend the night with Billy? We eat together as a family nearly every night. Come on!” One of my early mentors told me, “If you are going to make a mistake, make it on the side of grace.” I do not want to be the bad guy anyway, so I say, “O.K.,” but I do not feel good about my decision.
Father Richard Rohr writes, “I don’t think we do our children any favors by raising them without boundaries or rules or largely letting them decide for themselves what is right for them. Basically, we’re asking them to start from zero. In an overreaction to the generation before them, parents and the church (I would add our schools) have been trying hard to love unconditionally.”
Jesus says love one another as I have loved you (John 13:34-35). Father Greg Boyle talks about the “no matter whatness of God.” There is nothing we can do that will make God loves us more or love us less. “Clothe ourselves in love which binds everything together in perfect harmony,” (Colossians 3:14). We read, “Nothing can separate us from the love of God,” (Romans 8:39). The unconditional love of God for us is the message of the Gospel.
“We have to start with a yes of basic acceptance, which means we do not too quickly label, analyze, or categorize things (people) as in or out, good or bad,” says Rohr. “Once we have learned how to say a fundamental yes, later no’s can be very helpful and are surely necessary.”
Deep love is a sacred yes and deep love is a sacred no. Do our loved ones know that we love and accept them? Do communities on the fringes, and the margins of society know they are deeply loved and supported by their country? Love begins with an enduring and heartfelt yes and later no’s can be very helpful and surely necessary.
I (we) struggle to love. Terkeurst writes, “I dread saying yes but feel powerless to say no. I dread saying yes not because I don’t love that person. I love them very much. But I dread what saying yes will do to the already-running-on-empty me.”
Jesus said yes to love and supporting people from all walks of life. He listened, he healed, and he forgave. He was a loving, non-anxious presence, a Yes. Hordes of people descended on him and demanded more and more of his time and energy. He did what he could do and when he was tired and running on empty “he dismissed the crowds (he shared a sacred no) and went up on the mountain by himself to pray,” (Matthew 14:23).
May we do likewise. May we learn to live and to say a fundamental yes to life and people and may we learn the necessity of the sacred no. May we love as Christ first loved us.
Blessings and peace with your Yes’s and No’s,
Craig